I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
