Don't make out with my wife yet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
