you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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