I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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