Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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