My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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