just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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