Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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