Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
