He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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