did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she pinky promised me she was 18
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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