i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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