you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
