I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
