The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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