Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
