You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
