I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
