can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
