It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
