: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
