Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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