I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
