Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
