ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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