I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
