So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
