He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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