You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
