its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
