Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
