At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
