I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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