is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
