It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
