Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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