guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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