Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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