just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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