its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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