yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
