I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
