my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
smell my finger.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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