what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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