i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
