I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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