Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
