he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
