Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
