I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
